(no subject)

Excuse me, too busy, you're writing your tragedy, these mishaps you bubble wrap, when you've no idea what you're like... So let go, let go, jump in, oh well whatcha waiting for. It's all right, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Journaling is hard. Especially when you've been away from it for a while, and even more so in times of turbulence, and personally, the last month has been at the very least a decent sized tropical storm, complete with naming convention, and horrified villagers running for the hills. Once there came a storm in the form of a girl. The problem that I keep coming back to on this update (this is probably the 4th time I've at least jotted down the intro lyric and sat staring at the flashing cursor for an hour before deleting it) is trying to figure out why on earth I update this thing anyway, or more specifically who I'm talking to when I do, and how much background information do I really need to give them. I've finally decided that I'm just going to speak to a slightly amnesiastic future version of myself who pretty much remembers all of the physical details, and is more concerned about my mental and emotional state (Awww, look at future me, he's so caring). So, greetings Joshie of the future. I'm sorry to hear about the head wound, but that's what you get for not welcoming our new robot overlords. PS: Please be careful around lunar sea sloths, trust me on this.

So, it's become apparent that I had sort of steadily, subtlely been losing it for years. They said I lost the plot, kept saying that I was not the man I used to be More precisely, it's always been apparent to me, I just tried very hard not to observe it. And it's a widely known fact in the increasingly emergent field of emotional quantum mechanics that if you never really sit down and observe what you're feeling, why you could be feeling anything at all. Position and momentum remain unbound, I might be blissfully happy, who knows? Just don't think about it too much. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. But really, self-delusion only carries you so far round and round in widening gyre. The center can not hold. Rough beasts slouch towards Bethlehem.

In my case the rough beasts took the form of a growing detachment. I was still more or less present, but I was dissipated, reduced to more of a reflex machine than any sort of functioning person. I had become comfortably numb. And the reason of course is that I'd been pretending to be over things I wasn't. It's a problem I find, living a life that I can't leave behind. I'd had most of my emotions all tied up in the past, and what was left wasn't enough to bear the load. And I dealt with things badly when the situation changed. I'll save you the details, as I'm sure many of you have already heard them, and if you haven't, you probably don't need to.

So, that was me up to several weeks ago. Things are better now, mentally at least. I feel like I'm dealing with things that I've needed to since before this journal ever began. It's probably a matter of some debate whether I'm dealing with them positively or not, but I think I'm doing what I need to be happy ultimately. Hopefully it'll work out. At least I can plot some sort of trajectory now. Which is not to say everythings all skipping through fields tra-la-laing. I've spent days in the past several weeks more miserable than I have been in years, but on the other hand I've spent days happier than I've been as well, and honestly, even the misery's better then realizing you should be feeling something and coming up hollow.

Ok, done with speaking obliquely. You can all turn your subtext detectors off now. What have I been doing recently? I've been going out more. Strange how I always do that when I'm completely and utterly broke (Oh, by the way, I could still use work, if anyone needs a dork), but more and more clubs seem to be offering free admission before a certain hour, and I justify the ones that don't by just not eating on those days. I've been hanging out at the independent film festival a lot with Simon trying to make myself useful and watching some decent movies. Favorite thus far I think was Dry Spell, which was alternately amusing and surprisingly touching. Second probably The Myth, which is a Nick Cave biopic. Lots of other good stuff though, just don't have the time to review them all. I went to the Exploratorium with tiny people I've missed a lot. I walk around a bundle. I've tried to work on my head. Today I saw Blixa Bargeld in Gamescape buying a 12 sided die, and managed to resist the temptation to fanboy out at him ("Geee, that's a pretty dodecahedron, ummmm, I like your music. The first song I ever spun at a club was an Einsturzende Neubaten track, ummm, have I mentioned I like your music?"). After seeing him I went to go see a collection of shorts at the film festival, one of which involved two people mainly just having random conversations on mushrooms. One of the people was a musician and the director (and co-tripper) was trying to tell him how much he liked his music. The musician was pretty much aww, shucksing, but being on hallucinogens, he did it in an amusing way, "Do you see that tree over there? Isn't it beautiful? That tree will never appreciate your praise" Thus I am at once vindicated for not pestering Blixa, and reminded of the inherent humor and synchronicity in the universe.

I leave you with optimistic Nick Cave lyrics.

Walk with me now under the stars, for it's a clear and easy pleasure. And be happy in my company for I love you without measure. Walk with me now under the stars, it's a safe and easy pleasure. It seems we can be happy now. It's late but it ain't never. It's late but it ain't never. It's late but it ain't never