Jan. 31st, 2009

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I must have been looking in all the wrong places. From island to island across the blue...

I think most people have at some point or another experienced that sinking feeling in the morning when, on their trek towards consciousness, they are overcome with a foreboding that something has gone terribly, terribly wrong while they've been submerged in the ocean of sleep. This is usually followed immediately upon actually awaking by levels of disappointment ranging from realizing that you just slept through your midterm towards the more extreme ends of the spectrum such as becoming aware that you are naked in a bathtub full of bloodied ice with a quickly stitched hole in your abdomen or that the woman you went to bed with last night is not nearly as attractive as you thought they were, actually male, and in fact currently holding a knife to your throat asking for the combination to the wall safe. Not, ummm, that that's ever happened to me... but you hear stories. No, really. You do. *nervous cough*

So, perhaps, dear reader, if you too have experienced an occasion such as this, you might empathize with the following woeful tale of how I began my day. I awoke slowly, somnolently paddling through the peach schnapps and vodka flavored shallows of some oneiric lake to find myself pinned under a collection of felines and pillows in the people's independent republic of Pillowtania (for the unenlightened, this is a sovereign nation located in my sister and her husband's apartment). This of course isn't the terrifying part. I am a friend to most every feline not currently intent on consuming me, and while my love of pillows runs slightly less deep, we still maintain what I consider to be a relationship rich in mutual respect. No. The truly terrifying part is that I realized that I had fallen asleep watching a movie chosen by my brother in law.

There might among my audience be those of you shaking your head and muttering "So?" to yourself. Those people have clearly never met, or at least never had any long conversation with Will. The rest of you are probably screaming sympathetically in terror.

The evening began innocently enough with The Room, which actually exceeded expectations, and that's saying something, given that we had already integrated elements of the trailer into our group slang. If you are unaware of The Room, I strongly recommend that you watch that trailer. It is basically the Citizen Kane of unintentionally bad movies. I would like to stress that the trailer linked above is in no way a highlight reel of awful intended to demonstrate how ludicrous the movie is... or, well, it is, but you could achieve the same effect by sampling any random selection of scenes. Also, learn from our mistakes. While well suited towards drinking games in general, you really want to make sure you're already pretty jovial before you hit play at all. I would suggest at least heavily blurred vision before you get to the first sex scene, which is almost immediate. Medicate as needed from there.

Then we watched Repo, The Genetic Opera. Hopefully you're already aware of Repo, so I don't really have much to add here. I would like to stress that it is far and away the best film seen all night. By several orders of magnitude.

By this time, the more sane among us had fled, abandoning me to Will's tender mercies. These mercies then turned to Dr. Caligari. I would like to stress that the clip in the above link is reasonably coherent compared to the rest of the movie. There was a horrible tongue monster. I think it spit candy. There were neural cannulas. It contained the lead singer of The Nuns randomly wandering on screen and shrieking "Chihuahua, chihuahua". Most worrying of all is that it all sort of made sense at the time.

Un(?)fortunately, that DVD gave up the ghost about half way through and I'm not incredibly aware of what Will put in next, as my psyche had by this point gone into some sort of defensive armadillo roll and was desperately trying to cease consciousness for the day. As far as I could tell, it was Portuguese Star Wars. There was definitely someone in a bad wookie costume. And I think I saw a Darth Vader. I remember a lot of slow motion Tuskan raider fights. I think there were trampolines. And mother brain? And bizarrely a jeep full of people from earth who ran around in fast forward and made zaney TELEMUNDO! type sound effects in the middle of all of it. It was very confusing. And this is what I fell asleep to. I can feel it nesting in my subconsciousness, lurking, building a nest, preparing to hatch some terrible progeny to feast upon my cortex when I least expect it.

Pity me.


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